KimberlyCaristi

My Birthday:

Dear Diary, today was a very good day. I turned eight. Dolly gave me you and I love you very much. I am going to write in you every day. My brothers gave me games. My brothers don’t play with me like Dolly does. I don’t see Porter or Joshua very much anyway. They are too busy for me. I wish I had someone my age to play with then I would have someone to play the games with. I think I am going to solve mysteries like Nancy Drew. I love her. She is so smart. My family thinks I am so smart so I should be a good detective.
Sincerely, Jolene
PS. At school during lunch Cathy gave me some of her chocolate bar. I LOVE CHOCOLATE!
PPS. Again, I didn’t get to pick the restaurant I wanted to go to. My dad said you would never see him in a fast-food restaurant. I don’t care; I still love their fries. My mother wouldn’t let me get fries so I got a baked potato with lots of butter. At least, she understood I didn’t want to eat steak because of my many loose teeth. My mouth hurts so I have not been eating very good. I wonder how long I can say this before my mother stops giving me popsicles. The waiter brought me a slice of chocolate cake with a candle in it after dinner. I was so excited to see it but it had a different taste. Father told me it had coffee flavor in it as he was finishing it. Someday I will get a whole birthday cake like Cathy does.
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My sister Dolly gave me my first diary. It was a little pink diary with a sweet bouquet of white and yellow daisies tied together with a green bow. The diary had a little gold clasp and a little gold key. As an eight-year-old, my imagination was all I had. I did think I would be the next Nancy Drew. I had loved her books since I was six and I would sneak around our house and spy on my family. I didn’t start taking notes until Dolly gave me my diary. When I look back I am sure the diary was the start of my writing career. Yes, I was naive to think if I locked it before I set my diary down it would be safe. I actually called it my book of knowledge. At dinnertime I would relay my details of the day to everyone. My parents thought it was cute and would give me five minutes just before dinner to tell my tales. My brothers were not keen on my telling all about their conversations on the phone with their friends. Less desirable was when I talked about their conversations with their girlfriends. Since I was trying to sound more interesting, I might have embellished what I heard. That all started my lifework as a storyteller.
 
A month later:
Dear Diary, I heard Porter talk about making out with his girlfriend. I had to ask at dinner time what making out meant. Porter was not happy with me. Father and Mother were not happy with Porter. Porter’s girlfriend was not to our standards. I asked what our standards were and I got in trouble. Diary, no one was happy with me. Dolly came into my room after dinner and said there were things that we were not to talk about. Life is hard Diary. I am learning to keep things to myself like loving horses and things I hear in the house.
Sincerely, Jolly
 
The lesson I learned when I found out that my key was not the only thing that opened my book was people keep secrets and so should I. To my surprise my brothers asked to have a turn at telling what they had found out that day. I thought I was the smartest person in my family but I found out that I really shouldn’t tell all the things I did in my diary too. That was not a brilliant thing to do especially when I left the book in plain view of everyone. I knew the key had not left my chain around my neck. I even took a bath with my necklace as I called it. My brothers had gone through my diary and wrote notes or tore out pages. I got in trouble for blaming the cat for knocking over the vase in the living room where I was not supposed to go. My siblings and I called the living room the museum because no one was allowed in there. I was practicing my sleuthing sliding under the couch and when I bumped my head on the end table the vase started to fall. I heard it rolling on the table so I tried to get out from under the table as fast as I could before it fell. Instead, I made things worse and when I tried to catch the vase, my clumsiness sent the vase flying and crashing on the floor. I felt bad for blaming the cat and felt I had to tell someone so I wrote it in my diary.
The day my brothers told my story was the day that I decided I would not be the next Nancy Drew. I was better at making up stories and leaving my brothers alone. They liked it better that way. My teachers all said I had the gift of gab and I needed to write my stories instead of telling everyone my ideas during class. I liked writing the more I wrote. My mother and Dolly bought me pretty pens and journals. The only thing I liked more than writing was reading. I still got to have my five minutes at dinner for the next few years to spin my tales. My brothers would make fun of me or argue that my idea wasn’t possible. These interactions would benefit me later in my life but I wasn’t a fan of it when it was happening.
 
Got in Trouble Again:
Dear Diary, I am writing in you with tears in my eyes. My brothers got into you and I am sorry they ripped out some of your pages. You gave away my secrets. I know it wasn’t your fault but I felt betrayed. I got in big trouble for lying about the vase and for breaking it. I had no idea I shouldn’t trust anyone from getting into you. Dolly wasn’t happy that I lied to her. We have our secrets that I haven’t even told you and they are big! I mean really big! I almost started to tell you one day and I thought I’d better find a better hiding place before I do. It was a very bad day. Sincerely, Jolly
I was not sure if it was a good thing to be the youngest or it was the worst thing that could ever happen to a child. I hadn’t figured out what birth order was best. These were things I thought about as a child. Being the baby of the family had made it nice as far as my older siblings having paved the way for me but sometimes, I felt like I had a lot of responsibility that they didn’t have. I had all the attention of my parents that used to be divided among the four of us. One by one I got more attention and responsibilities as my two brothers and one sister had left home. I had to attend all the parties and dinner meetings to represent my siblings.
To me it seemed that my parents liked to control what each of their children did in their lives. Well, that was the way I saw it. I thought because I was the youngest, I was forced to go everywhere with my parents or maybe because they had a hard time controlling me that I was dragged to every charity event and golf outing my parents went to and that was many. I knew my place when we were out together and would never talk back or question them. That might have been the reason I had to go with them to these numerous events. They, my mother especially, learned not to push my buttons too much during these events because there would be payback at home. They had yet to figure out how to punish me for my bad behavior because I didn’t care if I was grounded, no television or the use of my phone. I was happy to go to my room and read or write. Once my mother made me stay with her instead of going to my room and I talked to her non-stop asking her questions about what she was doing and why. My mother tolerated that for about an hour then sent me to my room. I was six.
It seemed to me that my brothers did what my parents wanted them to do with little hesitation. Of course, I was so young when they left home so my memory was a little vague. They both studied finance and management so they could eventually take over the family business of our hotels and upscale apartment buildings. My sister was allowed to study what she wanted but had to go to school close enough that she could come home when my mother needed her. Dolly was my mother’s favorite and my mom had her wrapped around her little finger. That was made more evident as the years went on. We did have our secrets Dolly and me. Though I thought if my mother would have said jump Dolly, of course Dolly would jump without asking a question. On the other hand, I would ask a million questions then I might jump or not. I was a frustration for my mother and she did her best to try to break me. I couldn’t be broken. I had a will of my own my father would say to my mother over and over. The only thing my parents were proud about me was that I had straight A’s and was happy about studying. 
 
Too smart:
Dear Diary, my homeroom teacher asked me if I wanted to skip a grade because I was so far ahead of my class. I begged Mrs. Lightfoot not to tell my parents and thanked her for not saying anything in front of the class. I have a few friends that don’t make fun of me for knowing more than them. I would be made fun of by everyone if I were promoted to the next grade level. I don’t like to be made fun of as you know. Being in middle school is tough enough I didn’t need another thing to add to my stress. You can tell when students hear Dolly Parton’s song Jolene for the first time, they come to school and sing it behind my back as we are walking down the hall. It is tough enough to have flaming red hair and green eyes but that song puts another knife in my back.
I heard my father tell my mother that this week's subject for our discussion will be about religion in school. I am reading all about it so maybe they will let me be a part of the discussion. Sincerely, Jolly
I loved to study. My friends thought I was nuts about how much I loved learning. Give me something that I didn’t understand and I would be at the library looking for more information. I knew I could look stuff up on the internet but I loved books and the research was so much fun. The feel of the books in my hands felt good, turning the pages was pleasing. I had been caught more than once sniffing a book. Oh, how I loved the smell of an old musty book. I couldn’t tell you how many bookmarks I had, but they almost made a book themselves when stacked together.
My siblings all had graduated from college and my oldest brother Porter had his MBA. Joshua hadn’t decided if he was going to get his MBA or not. He asked father if it would be okay if he worked for him for a couple of years then decide if he wanted to go back and get a law degree. My dad was thrilled Joshua was thinking about a law degree so he accepted his offer to work. It had been several years and he still hadn't gone back to college. I really didn’t think Joshua wanted to go back to school, he thought he had to make our father happy by dangling a law degree over his head. I thought Joshua was happy working for father because he still came to dinner on Sunday.
Sunday was a day that we all knew we were to attend the family dinner and the discussion that followed. My father loved to talk about politics, religion or whatever hot topic was happening in the news. My mother got what she wanted before dinner…we listened to Dolly Parton music. That was the only time my mother would relax her persona was when she listened to Dolly Parton music. We were all to be there when she would play her choices for the evening.
The music would transform my mother. If you would watch closely you could see the transformation take place. First the smile would appear, the tension in her body would fall away with each beat of the music and the last bit of transformation was the twinkle in her eyes. My family did seem to notice the change but I did. The smile that appeared when she would play one of her favorites “Jolene” was magical to me. She would come over to me and touch my face and sing Jolene to me. When I was little my mother would twirl me around or I would twirl around by myself. I loved how my dresses would swish and make a noise I liked. I thought my mother would dance with me because I could never sit still or keep my mouth closed. All that changed when we danced together.
When I got old enough to understand the lyrics I thought it was weird but kind of sweet. She was singing about a woman who was talking about her husband but when she sang about the flaming locks of auburn hair with ivory skin and eyes of emerald green. I always smiled because she was looking at me so sweetly. The next line was ‘your smile is like a breath of spring.’ My mother would gently take hold of my chin and slightly shake it. That was the only time my mother would touch me that made me feel loved. Then she was off moving to somewhere other than singing to me.
As I got older I didn’t dance anymore and I sat and looked bored like everyone else. It was my secret that I liked my mother’s singing. She seemed free and I thought in a different life she would have been a singer. On the evenings that Jolene was the first song in her line up of the evening, she would sit with me throughout the whole song. If the song was near the end, she was off to the kitchen to oversee dinner prep. She moved back and forth between the kitchen and the family room. You’d better be in the room when she came back or she would stop the music and Mother was on a mission to find the missing person. My father had to be there too if he expected her to be there during his discussion. If he were late or tried to sneak out, mother would be very dramatic in her departure from the dining room when dinner was finished. 
My brother Joshua had her attention when she played Dolly’s Joshua’s song. Joshua had black hair like my father. Joshua teased my mother once when she sang the song to him that he was going to grow his hair long and grow a beard. We didn’t hear that song again for a long time and when she did play it, she wouldn’t stroll over to tousle his hair.
Dolly and Porter were lucky that they didn’t have songs about them that she sang. If the two of them went out together people might ask if their parents were fans of Dolly Parton. If Dolly and I were out together and we were introduced people usually chuckled at Dolly and Jolene. We were tired of telling people that our mother was obsessed with Dolly Parton and so was our grandmother. My father just went along with naming us because apparently my mother held it over his head how hard it was to deliver his children. That was how she got what she wanted throughout their married life.

Frustration:
Dear Diary, I asked for a horse for my birthday for the umpteenth time. Still the answer is no, ladies don’t ride horses. My mother is wrong. I have a secret to tell you but I am afraid someone will find it out. I can tell you that I found my song. It is called ‘No Reins’ by Rascal Flatts. The moment I heard it I realized they were singing about me. I am nothing like my family…maybe I really am adopted.
Sinc Jol
PS. I am working on my next book. It is about a little girl who wants a horse and her parents won’t buy it for her even though they have the money for it. Mother, if you are reading my diary and I think you are, does this sound familiar?
PPS. Find a better place to hide my diary.
Like I said, I rarely saw or talked to my brothers. I really didn’t have much in common with them except that we shared some DNA. They were civil to each other and to me. I think because I was the baby of the family and so much younger than they were I was of no interest to them. Dolly was totally different. She was ten years older than me and from day one I was hers. She was the only one in my opinion that showed me any kind of love. What I thought love should be. I didn’t have to do exactly what she wanted me to do for her to show me love. I could be who I really wanted to be around her and she wouldn’t scold me. For example, from an early age I loved horses and I wanted one in the worst way. Every birthday I would ask for a horse and my mother would say, “Ladies don’t ride horses.” When I was five, I had already learned I wasn’t supposed to say “Huh?” I had no idea what ladies were and how they were to behave. 
When Dolly was old enough to take me places without supervision, she would find a way for me to see a live horse and even pet one. When Dolly could drive, she would use her money so I could even ride a horse. Dolly understood me more than anyone. I needed to be free and riding a horse gave me that feeling of freedom. I had a picture of me on a horse that Dolly framed for me and told me to hide it between the mattress and the box spring as far in as my arm would reach. I had to make sure that mother didn’t find it. Every once in a while, when I was upset or sad, I would pull out the picture and just look at it. I would remember the day that Dolly took the picture and it would lift my spirits.
 
Losing My Heart Mom:
Dear Diary, I cried myself to sleep last night in my closet. Harold came over to dinner. He stood up to get everyone’s attention. He put his hand on Dolly’s shoulder and announced that they were getting married. He had the biggest smile while Dolly looked down. Harold is nice…sorta. He has a weird sense of humor that I don’t get. Plus, he doesn’t talk to me, he talks over me, like I am not smart enough to understand him. He does talk in riddles sometimes and after he leaves, I have heard father say to my mother, did you understand Harold? Mother’s reply is always that he comes from a good family and he will make for a wonderful husband. I guess that is my mother’s way of saying he makes enough money. I am going to lose the only person I care about to a man. My heart is broken, sinc Jol
PS. I finished book number twelve last night. I will let you know what my next book will be about as soon as I decide what to write about. I know you know it will have horses in it :-) 
 
When I was twelve Dolly got engaged to the right man as far as my parents were concerned. I wasn’t sure about him. He seemed a little stuffy to me. Harold came from a prominent family in Denver and was an accountant. My father thought he would make a good addition to our family business. I thought he got in the way of Dolly and me having fun. Dolly told me that we had to keep our outings a secret from Harold.
“Jolly, he wouldn’t approve of us going horseback riding.”
I was perplexed why anyone would marry someone that they had to keep secrets from? It seemed wrong that Dolly had to keep a secret about something she loved to do. I was going to keep my pact with her because the past year Dolly had been riding with me. We had a blast riding in the mountains, along streams and some meadow lands. Dolly found us places to ride all over the area. It was exciting in two ways: one I got to ride and brush the horse when I was finished riding and two Dolly and I had something that just the two of us knew about. I couldn’t even tell my friends because they might tell their parents and in turn their parents might say something about it to my parents. I was learning about being sneaky and it became a handy skill.
When Dolly got married, I was her maid of honor. I was so excited. Dolly picked the dress that looked best on me rather than her other so-called friends. Mother picked the other bridesmaids. That was when I learned who was who in the society of the snobs of Denver. These were Dolly’s words. I felt bad for her. How could mother not let Dolly pick out who she wanted in her own wedding? I knew I didn’t want my mother making those decisions for me. I told Dolly she should say something to Mother. For some reason Dolly couldn’t or wouldn’t stand up to her.
I felt so much older wearing all the new dresses I got when we hosted all the events surrounding Dolly’s engagement. We had two engagement parties, two wedding showers, three bridal showers and one bachelorette party. I was the host of one of the bridal showers though I couldn’t plan any of it. My mother didn’t like any of my ideas. They were too juvenile for her taste. I was a little upset. One of the bridal showers was hosted by her real friends and they included me in the planning. They even took one of my ideas for a game to play: cell phone scavenger hunt. I gave ideas like a selfie with the bride, wedding date on their calendar, something the color of our emerald green dresses of the bridesmaids, stuff like that.
The wedding was an elegant event and Dolly looked so beautiful in her wedding gown. I wasn’t sure if she was as happy as I would be getting out of our house. My parents had refused to let her live on her own. They said she was too delicate to make it on her own. I really thought they were wrong but Dolly thought they might be right. 
“Jolene, I wish I had your confidence. You are braver than I am.”
“Dolly, you are smart and I know if you wanted to you could live on your own and maybe find a man that you really love.” Well, that upset Dolly. I sometimes put my foot in my mouth but I wanted her to have her best life.
“Jolene, I love Harold. He is perfect. Mother and Father love him too.” Why did it matter that mother and father loved him? I didn’t understand why that made a difference. The way she said she loved him was like a duty she had. All of this troubled me. I wanted Dolly to be happy. I knew she made me feel loved and I prayed that Harold made her feel loved.
“I will tell you one thing Dolly. When I find the right guy, I won’t care if Mother and Father liked him.” I knew I sounded snotty like her bridesmaids but I probably sounded like a naive twelve-year-old. Though in my head Dolly and I were the same age metaphorically.
“Now, Jolene, Mother and Father are just looking out for us. They want us to have a good life.” Dolly was snippy yet but I could tell I was pushing her buttons.
“I will have a good life if I love my husband to the tips of my toes no matter how much money he has.”
“Jolene!” Well, that statement sent her over the edge and she yelled for her. She really never raised her voice to me; she just had this tone in her voice that told me I had gone too far.
“I am sorry Dolly, I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you don’t love Harold because of his money.” Really, I didn’t know why she loved him. I thought love would be something like you couldn’t keep your hands off the person. I never saw them touch each other or even kiss. 
 
After the wedding, I was hoping we would still go horseback riding together. To my dismay, she was afraid to go riding. I didn’t understand why until one Sunday dinner. Harold brought a bottle of champagne and when it came time to toast, they announced that they were going to have a baby. I was surprised that their baby should come almost ten months after they got married. I knew I should have been happy but I knew my freedom was over. Dolly wouldn’t have time for me once the baby came. During dinner Dolly wouldn’t look at me and I didn’t understand why. 
When father declared that the family discussion was over, Dolly asked me to show her my homework and maybe she would be able to help me. We had to use her offer to help me with my homework as our code to talk without our parents around. Neither parent would offer to help me with my homework. When I was younger sometimes Joshua would quiz me on my times tables but the rest of my assistance with my homework was done by Dolly. Porter was out of the house and in college when I started school. 
Dolly and I were excused to work on my homework problem. If I were honest, I didn’t need help, but that was the best excuse we could think of so we could talk alone. Really the only thing that Dolly helped me with was calling the homework hotline. Dolly was my teacher in all areas except for school. Dolly was the one who taught me about the facts of life and my period. She wanted me to know everything before I started to ask questions. She didn’t want it to be a shock for me when I started my period like it was for her. I was so fortunate that I had Dolly in so many ways and it was so sad that she wasn’t around much anymore.
“Jolly, I wanted to tell you that I was pregnant but Harold said you were too young and would tell mother and father before we did.”
I looked at my carpet because I couldn’t face Dolly. “You haven’t called me Jolly in a long time.” I looked up at her, “Dolly, you know I keep secrets.” I was a little upset.
“Jolly, I know you are the best secret keeper. I just couldn’t go against Harold’s wishes. I hope you understand. Maybe, I can go riding after the baby is born.” Dolly saw my disappointment. “I will still try to get away and take you but I won’t ride.
Dolly took me riding a couple of more times than when the baby came and our getting together stopped. It was hard for me at first to welcome Harold Jr. because he had taken the only person who I could be myself around. I lost all my resentfulness once Harry was big enough to take a hold of my finger and laugh. I was the only one who called him Harry. I just couldn’t bring myself to call him Harold. He was so tiny and that name didn’t fit him anyway. Dolly just asked that I not call him Harry around anyone. She didn’t want me to get in trouble.
 
Life is a conflict of feelings:
Dear Diary, my life has ended the way I knew it. Dolly isn’t around anymore. Baby Harry is adorable but I don’t fit into Dolly’s life now. Okay, I am being dramatic as mother would say. I just wish Dolly and I could go off together and go riding. I can’t wait until I can drive! That is a long way away but maybe I can figure something out. I need the feeling of being free. My parents drag me everywhere. S. J.
Once Dolly’s second baby came along, the only time I saw Dolly was if I went to her house which wasn’t far from our house and Sunday during dinner. I thought the dinners were why my parents hired Betty. Betty was their new nanny. Mother and Father hired her to help their poor daughter who had two babies in two years. Plus my parents couldn’t handle the noise that two small children contributed to our dinner time. It was easy for them to put them in the kitchen with Betty and the cook.
It was fun dressing Dorothy in frilly dresses but Betty was always hovering around the four of us. Again, they called their child another big name for a small child so I started calling her Dot. Dolly, Harry and Dot, were watched all the time. Apparently, Betty reported to my parents since they hired her. I felt sorry for Dolly.

Finding my niche:
Dear Diary:
If I have to go to another adult function I am going to scream! I have to figure out how I can get out of these parties. I need to make sure that my mother doesn’t want to take me. I wish you could talk to help me with this problem. I know the more I write about my problems the better it gets. S.J.
Because I was a challenge, my parents thought I would be good at Debate so my freshman year of high school I joined the Speech and Debate team. That took the place of going horseback riding. I found a new love. I had years of practice on Sunday night when it was time for discussion. Because of my love of reading, I would study for these discussion sessions with Father. I waited patiently hoping it was a topic that I had prepared for. That was the only time that Porter would talk to me in earnest. If we were on the same side, he would praise me. If we were on opposite sides, he would try his hardest to persuade me to his side. Sometimes, my father would call a draw and praise both of us for having good ideas. 
I was considered one of the best debaters in our school. I got to travel on weekends to debate competitions and I loved squashing my opponent. A huge bonus, I found I didn’t have to go to as many parties because I was too busy with competitions and practicing. A couple of times Dolly got to come and watch the debate. That made the whole event better having someone there cheering me on. I was winning awards on top of awards. My mother said they were going to have to build an addition to the house for all of my awards. My debate teacher said I could get a scholarship with how good I was but to be more competitive I should start doing speech too. My junior year I was doing both speech and debate. I wanted that scholarship because I knew my parents wouldn’t pay for a college that wasn’t their choice. They would only pay for where they wanted me to go. I knew I was being a little obstinate at that time. I had no idea where they wanted me to go. I just knew I wanted options. I was as independent as they come.
 
Weighing my options:
Dear Diary:
What do you think about this sentence? “The time has come for you to become the person you were meant to be.” I feel like I have read this line somewhere and I don’t know where. Maybe it was on a poster in one of my friends' rooms. I have to find it. I want to start a book about a teenage girl who runs away from her family to find herself. It’s not about me but sometimes I feel like I am being smothered here. I have to do some research on this. Anyway, this girl’s aunt tells her this because her parents are sick in the head and she needs to get out from under them so she can be the doctor that she wants to be. Her aunt can’t take care of her either. I am still working on the outline. So much research to do! I have to find a college that I want to go to, too. Life is fun here in Denver…tongue sticking out. S.J.
It was coming time for me to start thinking about college and my mother brought me an application for Denver University.
“Here you go. Your father and I have talked it over and we decided that you should go to Denver University, it’s close to home.” Close to home! It was down the street from us! There was no way I was going to go there. “We know your grades are good enough and your father knows the president. He says it is a wonderful university” I sat there at my desk just staring up at her in disbelief. “It is a good school.” Well, at least, her tone had changed from demanding to pleading. No, pleading was not the word: cajoling was more like it. She should have known by then demanding something from me was not how to handle me. 
I took the application from her, “Thanks, Mother.” My tone was reassuring to her because I saw her smile. Little did she know that I had already started applying to a dozen colleges all around the country. Whoever gave me the best scholarship wins. I knew my parents would not be paying for anything but Denver University now that they decided that was the college I should attend.
Dear Diary, one sentence for you. Parents don’t listen to their children! S.J.
 
Bridezilla Times Two:
My senior year was a busy year for our family. Porter and Joshua had found women of our standards to marry. My parents wanted Joshua to wait a year but someone in her family talked my parents into six months after because all of their family got married in May and they didn’t think it was right to make Joshua and Vivian wait a year and a half. Dolly was going to have another baby between the weddings. Because she was having a baby she didn’t have to be in the weddings. She was lucky.
Porter’s fiancé Carolyn was such a bridezilla. She wanted me to dye my hair to match the other bridesmaids. She didn’t like how I stood out when we were all standing in line with our dresses on. My mother was upset and so was I. I didn’t want mousy brown hair! Carolyn’s mother took her into the dressing room and when they finally came out Carolyn said in a very pouty voice,
“You can keep your hair color.” I couldn’t believe that her mother handed Carolyn one of her diamond rings as she finished saying I could keep my hair color. I guess my hair was worthy of a big diamond. I might have dyed my hair if she had made me that offer.
Joshua’s fiancé Vivian was a little better but not much. We all had to wear our hair the same way and have the same color dress at every event we attended together. They had more showers than Dolly and Carolyn had. I think they were in competition with Porter and Carolyn. Everything had to be better than theirs. I think my parents liked that they only had two daughters’ weddings to pay for. I knew I wouldn’t be having a wedding like any of them. I knew I wouldn’t be as picky as all of them. Dolly didn’t have a choice of anything at her wedding except which dress I wore though I know my mother loved my dress so maybe she was letting Dolly think she got her way. You could say my mother was a motherzilla though she was pretty much that way all the time.
Baby Colleen was born the day after Christmas. I felt sorry for her because no one was going to want to come to her birthday parties the day after Christmas. She looked like she might have my auburn hair. That excited me because I was the only one who had that hair color. My grandfather had my color I was told but he died before I was born. Harry and Dot were so excited about having a baby sister.
Harry would rather have had a brother but once they placed Colly in his arms he was in love. “Baby sister, I will always protect you.” I didn’t know where he came up with those words but we were all in awe of the little fellow.
During the holidays, I walked into the kitchen as my mother tore something up in disgust. When she saw me, she stuffed it deep into the trash can. “Some Democrat mailing,” she said with a nervous laugh.
My curiosity had to find out what the letter was. When she was out of the room, I quickly went through the trash to see what it was. It was my letter of acceptance to Harvard University with an invitation to interview for a Debate scholarship. How dare she tear up my acceptance letter. It was Harvard for God sakes. You would have thought she would have been proud that I got accepted to Harvard. I was proud. I had to call Dolly at the hospital and ask if Harold was there. He wasn’t so she was free to talk. She didn’t like that I was going that far away.
“Jolly, couldn’t you find something closer to home.”
 
Grateful for email:
Dear Diary:
It’s a red-letter day or maybe a red-letter email day. Since I don’t trust anyone in this house that is all you are getting today. So far this is the best day of my life. I look forward to what is to come now. I just have two hurdles right now. I hope they aren’t that big but that is wishful thinking. You are the only one I can share this exciting information with but you will have to read between the lines to know what it is. S.J.
I was glad that I had applied to a couple of places that sent the acceptance letter in the form of an email. I got accepted to the University of Wyoming and they offered me a full ride scholarship if I stayed on the Dean’s list. I didn’t think that was a problem as I have never gotten anything but A’s. I accepted their offer. I was excited but I knew the challenge I was going to have with my parents. I was trying to decide when to tell them. I thought it would be best to wait until I packed my car and drove off. Dolly didn’t like that idea. When I got my acceptance letter for going to the University of Denver I was wavering if I should tell them then.
My mother started with, “You should sign that and we can put that in the mail tomorrow.” She set it right in front of me and jabbed her pointer into the paper.
“No, that is alright I can do it another day.” I really didn’t want to get into an argument right then so I tried to put it off.
“Jolene there is no reason why you should delay signing it right now, then I can put it in the mail.” She retrieved a pen for me to sign the letter. Mother was pushing the letter and the pen at me to sign it. I knew she wasn’t going to give up.
“Well, if you insist on talking about this now, I want you to know I have already signed to go to school in Wyoming.”
 
Well, that went over like a lead balloon. She acted like I had hurt her to the core and wouldn’t discuss it until my father came home. When my father came home I heard him yelling my name in a tone that he held for a dog that got in his way. I had prepared my outline of why I should attend University Wyoming. He wasn’t prepared for my defense or attack. He thought he could get me to change my mind but I changed his mind. My mother wasn’t happy. She wanted me to live here and go to school. I thought the reason why she wanted me to live here was so she could control me like she controlled Dolly. Mother wouldn’t talk to me for over a week. I was fine because I had peace, which I didn’t have most weeks.
 
Parents!:
Dear Diary:
I am sure you heard the explosion that happened today. It didn’t take me as long as I thought it would to change my father’s mind. He wasn’t prepared for my attack. He couldn’t believe that I thought they wanted me around to take care of them in their old age. That one really flustered him. I am hoping my mother’s not talking will last until I go away to school. I am sure she thinks I am an ungrateful daughter. Mother, when you read this, I know you have given me a wonderful life. I just want to go away to college like my brothers. S.J.
I thought Joshua’s wedding was going to overshadow my graduation but it didn’t. Vivian even thought about it and made sure that I was having a graduation party. She suggested that I wear one of the dresses I got for one of her showers. The one that went with my hair and eyes and the least seen by the people who would come to the party. I thought she was sweet to think about me. My mother wouldn’t hear of me wearing a dress that people had seen before. Vivian and Dolly insisted on going shopping with Mother and me. Mother wanted to buy this very fashionable sundress that went well with my skin color and hair. The bridesmaids all had to go to a tanning booth before Vivian’s wedding so I was very tanned. I liked the dress my mother had picked out until Vivian walked up with this white dress with the aquamarine flowers -- I knew it was the dress for me. I loved it. My mother wasn’t sure about it being a halter top and the stretchy fitted waist through the hips. I thought the ruffle on the bottom was cute. Vivian and Dolly insisted that we buy the dress for my graduation party. They both went nuts over it and loved it just as much as I did. Mother had to agree to buy it because they said I had to have it. I was liking Vivian even more than I thought I would. I knew we weren’t going to be best friends or travel in the same circle but at least there would be another person I would be happy to talk to at the dinner table on Sunday.
Vivian and Joshua’s wedding was perfect. We all looked like we came from California instead of Denver. I almost got into a fight with the wedding planner who thought she could stick her hand into the top of my dress without asking. I failed to get the little string you hang the dress on secured inside my dress. I had no idea what she was doing when she came and slipped her hand in my dress over my breast. I was about to hit her with my bouquet of flowers. Luckily, Dolly was paying attention and grabbed my hand from hitting her. The wedding planner never said excuse me or sorry. She was too busy talking into her headset. After all these weddings, I decided I was going to find a guy who didn’t like big weddings. I hated talking to all these people who didn’t know me and really didn’t care that I was the sister.
I was too busy to date much so I didn’t have a boyfriend to hang out with at any of the weddings. It didn’t really bother me. I sat on the outside and watched. I just thought about what my next book I was going to write. Sometimes I was able to pull my phone out to read my current book or take notes for a book idea. I was still writing when I had time.
The family rule was we couldn’t date until we were seventeen, which I turned last summer. I knew my brothers didn’t listen to that rule. When I wanted to take the time to go out I found ways to sneak out with a guy. No one ever made the cut to bring home to mother and father. I knew the couple of guys that I went out with a few times would have been chewed up and spat out of the house. I liked independent liberal guys and my family was very conservative. I was always on the liberal side when we had discussions at Sunday dinner. I held my ground and I needed to find someone who could stand up to my family. If a guy ever did, I knew I would marry him or at least have repeated dates.
I was happy I was allowed to have a few friends at my graduation party. Why, oh, why did I have to have people I didn’t even know come to my party? I didn’t get to pick the food, decorations, or people. I was thrilled that I got to wear the dress we bought. At the last minute, my mother walked into my bedroom with the sundress she liked. She had brought in the sundress without letting me know. She told me she wanted me to wear it. I told her if she insisted I wear it, I would not attend my party. I said it in a tone that she knew I meant business. I won that battle. I played the hostess and greeted everyone in my beautiful white dress with the aquamarine flowers. The best thing about my party was that I met Evan, a son to a business partner of my father’s. He was not happy to be there but when I sat down to talk to him, he turned on his charm. When we were introduced, I thought he was probably the cutest boy I had ever seen. He lived north of Denver in Frederick.
My friends all thought he was cute too, and they surrounded us as soon as I sat with him. They wanted to know how I knew him. Then they started asking him question after question. We went into the game room that my brothers insisted we had to have and never were in as much as I was. I practiced playing darts and pool as long as my mother never saw me in there. If she did, I would be ushered out and told ladies don’t play pool and definitely don’t throw darts.
Evan was impressed that I could play pool. I was better than he was and when I saw that he was getting frustrated with me beating him I backed off. I didn’t back off on darts and narrowly beat him on the last throw. He said he wanted a rematch and would call me. My friends were jealous, which really didn’t bother me. Half of them were already dating someone. I wasn’t sure if he would call me even though he had me put my phone number into his phone. It wasn’t a week and he called me asking me out on a date. My mother and father were very happy. The suspicion that my parents had set up Evan being at my party was unsettling. I had to process the pros and cons about going out on the date with Evan. The pros won because I liked Evan and we had fun at my party.
We went on our first date; we hiked our way around Lake Ladora. There was no competition there. We talked about our colleges that we were going to attend. He was going to Colorado State less than an hour from his house. I was glad my college was at least two hours away. I wish it were further but getting a full scholarship and having one of the best college debate teams, it was hard to say no to. We talked about how we would be about an hour from each other. He was glad I would have my own car so I could come visit him when there were home football games. I could drive down to Fort Collins and watch him play then we could go out together afterward. That didn’t sound like fun to me but I agreed to do it. I did admit I had no idea what my time commitment for speech and debate would be. He said he could tell that I would be good at debate after trying to decide where to have our first date. He said he had never met a girl like me before. I chuckled and thought, had he never met a girl with brains?